wahlao i miss u la!! grrr.. hug u tight when i see u! hahaha

which moron would wake up at 5.36am to gaze at her handphone and be disappointed at having no missed calls or new messages?

when i hung up, i felt goosebumps rising all over my arm. was it that i was kept warm by the voice over the phone? or was it just cause in returning the phone to its cradle, my hand slipped out into the cold air?

after a night's rest, the world doesn't seem so daunting. though tutorials and mathematica remain so. =p

life is kinda bullshit sometimes. and for the remainder of the time, it is bullshit.

sometimes i feel miserable, and just want the comfort of somebody, anyone, to tell me that things will be alright. but either there is no such person, or the person doesn't have the words to comfort me. and sometimes i don't want to hear words, especially when i already know what words can be said. it's just the usual hang in there, cheer up. sometimes they ring hollow more than providing comfort. and then cause people glimpsed my panic, know i'm clutching at straws, and are worried, i feel obliged to smile and tell them, don't worry, i'm strong and i'll be ok. when i'm not. when all i want is to hide cowardly in my blanket and wait for a warm hand to give me courage to face this scary world. sometimes running away for a short while is my only redemption, the only way i can continue moving forward. as i grow up, i fear the adult world more than i look forward to it. cause i would be forced to be strong, to be independent. and i once thought i could. but now i realise my vulnerability. and i can't help it. i don't know how to cover it up, my vulnerability is exposed, out in the open. and it scares me that i cant hide my vulnerability in a world where i'm supposed to be tough. i don't want to always feel affected by some things.

sometimes i hear people say that i should study hard, then i can do what i want. and i think to myself, bullshit. i would always be doing something for money, to pay the bills, to pay off the mortgage, to pay off the loan i took from my parents, monetray and otherwise. i would never have time to myself, not even till the day i die. cause unless i strike it rich, like Bill Gates rich, otherwise i'm destined to be a working class slave, working to feed myself, not for a dream. living cause i don't have the courage to die. no matter how we imagine we will lead a better life than what we are leading now, we can't really expect to all be living a jetsetting lifestyle, cute kids, good pay, good life.

i no longer know what i want. i don't even want a stable job. i want my family to be safe and happy. but it's not really in my powers to make them so. i want to be with my darling, living together in a home of our own, but reality would always mean it ain't going to be as wonderful as i imagined. i want my children to be healthy, happy, preferably intelligent. but again, who am i to decide.

bullshit. don't tell me life is in my control.

i am in a hols-are-ending-so-is-my-life kinda mood. feels like i didn't do anything much. didn't managed to meet the girls. didn't shop. just entirely slacking. hmm feel unproductive, and lamenting lost time.

but oh well.. just make use of the little time left! =)

红绿灯前的拥抱，让我不想放开手。你胸口前，我找到了我的归属。

wasn't i supposed to be studying this holidays? how come i've spent a grand total of one day eating dinner at home? oh no!! time's running out! my to-do list still has many unchecked items!

i want to be more like me, less like her.

蛋糕店没有开！

an entry too late, but nevermind, i just want to whine. even if only two people know what i'm talking about. haha

i got an epiphany today, and wondered if the pace of life is related to the pace you walk. it seems the elderly are more capable of enjoying sights and sounds, whereas people in their prime cant. due to work, due to stress, or perhaps just due to their being unable to take a leisurely stroll and calm down just enough to enjoy the scenery around.

maybe it's true. if in the morning you rush to work, you wouldn't realise how nice the flowers seem to greet the sun with their smiling faces. but if at the end of the day, you are able to go for a ten-minute walk around the park, you are more likely to realise the fragrance of the flowers.

life is short, we shouldn't spend too much of it absorbed in our own work. indulging in nature, in time alone, in time with friends, that is the only true way of enjoying life.

爱情的主观是容不下一丝客观的。

纵使你周围的人都好心劝你不要越陷越深，执迷不悟，但你还是会忠言逆耳一意孤行。

是不是爱情蒙蔽了双眼？是不是沐浴在爱河里的人都会失去理智？ 那爱情岂不是好可怕的东西？

it seems like i've watched too many films to think that dogs only understand english. heard an auntie command a dog in hokkien and i chuckled to myself. haha

my dinner companions last night.. haha not my fault my face appeared twice, the 3 of us didn't take any group photos together!!

and i am going bald la! help me someone!

desserts consumed last night in a fattening but happy night out!solid gold, big apple,jedi mudster @ nydc! glad after so long, we still are good friends=D

sometimes i say things without really thinking, and in the moment the words are out, i somehow know they are true. it has happened once before, in a conversation i had with gen. it happened again last night.

half the semester has passed, it's just too fast!! i keep imagining that i will get lousy results for my core modules, so i'm reluctant to S/U my electives. haha what kind of studying am i doing sia? electives more hopeful than core? lol=p

i'm missing my girls!!

why do i love you with all my heart? i love you for all the big and small things you've done for me. who else would buy me food when i said i'm hungry, at 9pm, a time when you would have said is late.

don't curse yourself, dun say jokingly, i die le then what would happen to you? cause my heart would skip a beat, and start to dread that day. the day i would need the support of all my darlings, just to keep me going.

pensive tonight, must be due to the test! haha hence the unusual amount of entries! =p dun worry tmr i'm gd as new=)

why am i so suay to have a test tomorrow? otherwise i could have been out watching a movie or doing something fun. wahlao.. i hate test la.. scold vulgarities..

i got a feeling i cant meet any of my dear girls this break, due to the whole shitload of work piling up. grrr..

a page i like, it reminds us of the beauitful things we love =)
http://revealyourlove.blogspot.com/

the picture on my desk reminds me of happier times, which i shall try to re-create. =)

on a less cheerful note, i ain't communicating effectively with fluids.

in your love, i feel safe. you are my shoulder to lean on, my listening ear, my rock in instability. a longing to stay together through thin and thick.

in your love, i feel blessed. an understanding and honest boyfriend, whose only wish is for me to be happy, whose everything is me. wanting to smile everyday, do some little thing, just to light up your day, to show you how much i love you too.

i feel a part of me wanting to be better, just for you. but yet i end up causing unhappiness for us. i'm sorry baby..

wahlao, parents pangseh me for dinner. then walk from south to north spine, the lift suddenly keesiao "please exit when the lift door opens". then i had to climb 4 flights of stairs, which is actually 5. and got siao beng on the road.

how did i become like that? how could it be that the past is better than the present?

tmd, lots to say that cant be published.

it's always been me, making a fuss, causing unhappiness. even though i don't want to, even though i want to multiply all the good and wonderful moments. but i can't help myself sometimes when i can't say the things i feel. the emotional overload should be mine to bear, especially when usually i'm just pissed for a short period of time. things that don't matter in the long run shouldn't be said, to hang in the air, to echo in hearts, isn't it so?

i promised, and yet i broke them. no wonder you feel insecure.

你说我像一个小孩 总爱让你猜
我说你才像个小孩 总要我说才明白
有些事太快失去了等待 让爱没了期待
我们的爱怎么才自然
每次沟通不来就要离开就说不要爱

想在你的怀里依偎，享受你的体温，呼吸你的气息。想要你所有目光都注射在我身上，让我成为你眼里的唯一。

人不是应该往好的方面改进？ 为何以前那个我，你却说比较好？

when people say it hurts to love, what do they do?

one down two to go, well, at least the break's finally within sight. haha but the sheer amount of work will definitely kill me.

i believe it is more important that you try your best, after all, the results cant always be controlled by you.

what i want constantly clashes with my rational mind. and my logic always wins.

hope this weather continues to hold during the mid-sem break. it's a sin to waste this good weather, we should all be in bed sleeping, and not have to wake up early. haha

fluids die la.

looking at what happens to friends around, we thought we glimpse some lessons. but things ain't so simple. only when you are in the same position, that you realise either decision is painful. you can only make a decision and pray that on retrospect, you made the best possible decision.

there are some things in life which we thought we could hold on to forever, but sometimes it isn't possible. sometimes it may be that holding on hurts more than letting go or giving up.

make choices and don't look back. cruel as it sounds, it's at least better than going back and forth on a decision and tormenting all.

affairs of the heart are never easy.

messages in the middle of the night make me smile, and comfort me with the knowledge that while i sleep, i'm being loved. =)

in a world of instability, i need a rock.

半夜想一个人时，是否只能把抱枕抱得更紧一点？但往往仍然辗转反侧一直到天亮。

3 tests next week. pray for me. haha

had a surprise birthday celebration today! my hunch about a conspiracy was right! haha =p

super touched that even though all of us are busy with school and barely have time to meet or talk properly, these lovely CDS girls went to much trouble to sing a birthday song at 830pm outside my lecture theatre, complete with a nice mango cake! cheered me up after such a long day, such a sweet and touching surprise=)

thanks all my dear girls!! had quite many surprises this 20th birthday =) and i enjoyed my birthday, because i had such fun! thanks thanks and thanks! =D

forgot to mention i had my first ma la steamboat yesterday, and realised i cannot take that kind of spiciness. will lips swell like sausages. hahaha =p

in school on a wednesday with 5 hours break, and for the first 3 i've not completed anything. damn it.

heartfelt thanks to all those who smsed me to wish me happy birthday! especially some unexpected friends! =) all of you made my day!

thank god the two tests are easy, or my week would have been ruined. haha hope the rest of the week is equally enjoyable, for me and for you people=)

let's continue to jiayou!

sleepy. seh. just want to concuss and pass out on the bed. haha

我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我
说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么
反正不会松手

i like this song!

first monday so far without the blues. and to think i have a test today, and tomorrow. unbelievable.

but i guess this is all due to all my wonderful friends who constantly root for me and make me feel loved. thanks all my darlings! =) i'll hang on till the mid-semester break at least. =p

take good care evan, don't think so much. jiayou all my dear old friends!! =)

p.s i smell a conspiracy

i used to anticipate birthdays, with my birthday week crammed with all the celebrations with all my different groups of friends.

but now this ain't the case. i view growing a year older with mixed feelings. i wish there were beautiful memories to remember each birthday by, but frankly, i cant really remember. i wish there will be special plans and surprises, but really, i think i would be too tired to enjoy them. i wish i could have a day to myself, but i fear i don't want time alone when i get it.

people don't ask what my birthday wish is, they ask me what birthday present i want. truth is, i don't know the answer to both.

(seems like a sad post ya? but it isn't) just slightly stressed for the tests=)

just because a person doesn't show you love in the way you hope he/she would, doesn't mean that person doesn't love you.

everyone has an 'ability' to hurt, and most of the time, the most pain is caused by unintentional words or actions.

i should start learning how to love better.

had a happy day, but somehow i was still disappointed. with you. for not being here.

felt a little more mature today. mum went to get a chalet with the main purpose of celebrating my birthday. but due to myself having tests in the following days, and assuming everybody is really quite up to their neck in work, i told her i won't be asking any friends. so the chalet became sort of my brother's. he called his secondary school friends, whom i also know.

this morning after sleeping a meagre 5 hours, i went to the chalet with a totally peaceful and calm mood. i didn't expect to do anything else except to study a bit and do some homework. i wasn't bothered about being left on my lonesome when my brother and his friends were out having fun.

and what happened in the afternoon cheered me up totally! i took a nap, and on waking up my mother told me that she asked hong and yinjie to come to the chalet. and i was surprised. cause i supposed to contact them was quite an effort. and then i saw my brother making a phone call on the porch. i felt really touched that my mother and my brother went to such efforts to create a surprise, but they're lousy at keeping a secret, which made me laugh at their cuteness.

and then i was even happier to see hong and yinjie appear! it wasn't confirmed they were coming, so it made me happy to see them=) and i wasn't disappointed there was only two of them, cause i wasn't even expecting anyone in the first place. (i didn't tell anyone, and it was rather short notice when my mum asked)

so it was a happy day today! cause i had my loving family who celebrated my birthday in such a touching way, and cause i had my longtime friends who made my day! thanks for the cake and presents, my girls!

my brother's friends are cute, making us laugh in such a way we feel lighter at heart and younger again=)

oh, p.s! i have matching watches with my brother, though it is quite big for me, but my cute brother went to much effort to find out what would be more to my liking..

what would i do without my family and those darling girls? =)

i finally finished my lab report. kaoz. never before i forgo food to complete anything, let alone academic matters. i truly understand the meaning of "life sucks". haha

pia-ing lab report. damn. so many things clashed in a week. how to make it through? grr.

i have a sky-high sleep debt, dragging my feet to school every start of the week, but glad that at least on this wednesday i'm feeling cheerful. =)

got another beautiful present from my dear brother! his painstaking efforts to create such a conspiracy touched me. we've now got similar watches! mine white, his black! yay!! thanks di! now i must go imagine what to get him.. hmm seems i seldom shop for presents.. i should try to do better!

i'm becoming like garfield, hating mondays. i always get a serious bout of blues. heck, sometimes this blues start even on sunday night. haha

please don't say things if you didn't put your heart into it. just by listening, i can tell. and i'd rather you didn't offer, rather than offer half-heartedly.

sometimes i type something that makes you people think i'm having a bad day. but it's not always so, cause there's bound to be some parts of a lousy day that still makes me smile. hopefully, my bad days will continue to have a bit of joy in them, or else my life would really suck.

how do you deal with constantly feeling that your heart is too heavy to go on. there seems nothing much to look forward to, school zaps energy out of me. haha

only last night did i acknowledge something from so far back. i made a wrong turn, but i'm where i feel i should finally be.

i think friends are a person's appointed guardians for life. they worry when things happen, sense when things seem wrong, listen and counsel for all occasions, and are a stoic presence whenever needed. to all my friends, thanks! childish and primary schoolish as it may sound, i would love to be friends forever. =)

tmd. 10 days to first test, 11 days to second test. tmd. and i am in an unprecedented dont-wanna-celebrate-birthday-mood. tmd

a week's gone.. edging closer to tests, and i've one on my birthday, the one i have to get an A for. haha..

i'm sad that we used to be close, but now i don't know such a big thing happened.

i'm pensive cause i know you treasure me more than i treasure you. and yet sometimes i can be so unreasonable. i get upset over the wrong things, the insignificant trivial things, so i forget the important things, like how at the end of the day, you're still there for me.